teenage angst

At around 11:30 every morning, I start getting hungry. Every morning I eat a sizable breakfast but that is apparently not good enough for my hunger as it always starts to nag me an hour before the lunch break. And it is usually in that hour that I start looking at the clock and counting down in miliseconds to the time I can then gorge myself in all the glory that is lunch. Today, I was hungrier than usual, and symptomically, this resulted in tummy rumblings louder than normal.

Tummy rumblings have always been a source of anxiety, especially during my teenage years. I would be in class and then my stomach would go off like a gregorian chant, and i would try to mask the sound by coughing, but there is only so much coughing you can do before people start thinking you may be choking to death or spreading some SARS. And the worst part of all this was the fact that i was a teenager and of course, back then, every single bodily function including the sound of my own voice was a source of anxiety which meant that at this point I was ready to DIE and thinking OH GOD WHY MUST YOU ACCURSE ME WITH SUCH AN AFFLICTION !!!! WHY MUST I BE THIS FREAK OF NATURE WITH AN ABNORMALLY AUDIBLE STOMACH??? And of course I wrote all this in my diary complete with drawings of dead stomachs and stickers with anti-stomach slogans. On good days, I would daydream of a life where my tummy didn’t rumble and I could be like the other teenagers, ones who lived through their hunger in quiet dignity. Or, I would write poems that would metaphorically liken my stomach noises to cries coming from the Depths of My Soul and how it is a lone voice calling out to the world, the likes of which will never understand the woeful melancholy my internal organs are going through. Okay, i’m just making shit up.  But seriously, growlly stomachs use to make me a little anxious; now, they just make me glad i am not a teenager.

black sunday

There is an ant infestation right next to my desk at work. In hindsight, it may have been caused by me leaving an open packet sugar there for some time because I’m trying to cut down my sugar intake, so i only use a half pack in my coffee and then save the rest for the next cup. The ants got wind of this and have decided to stake out near my workstation so they can freeload this said sugar. I don’t have anything against ants; they’re hardworking, don’t usually bite, don’t make annoying buzzing noises, and up until yesterday, I lived in harmony with them as a benevolent giant and sugar supplier. AND THEN EVERYTHING CHANGED.

I was at work, eating some chips, which by the way is like my favourite snack food in the whole world, and crumbs started going everywhere because well, that’s how the chips crumble (haha, get it?), and next thing i know, i’m like surrounded by 200 ants, picking up my crumbs and carrying it to their secret ant hideout. A particularily greedy ant starting hauling away this medium-sized crumb, which I could have TOTALLY EATEN, and I was like oh no you didn’t just do that. There is now rage. I have tolerated the taking of sugar , but the taking of chips, which i will stress again, are like my favourite snack food of ALL TIME, is unacceptable. And that is how it proceeded to then become a Black Day in The History of the Ants.

I began by sweeping the ants off the table which is like 3 1/2 feet off the floor, and the ants fell to the ground but DIDN’T DIE. And i was like holy crap, 3 1/2 feet for an ant to fall is like a human falling from like 462 stories and we don’t survive shit like that. Cat’s are good at falling and they don’t even survive shit like that. Two minutes later, the ants were back on my table, foraging for chip crumbs again and i’m like these guys are pretty hardcore.

I then began the enacting of plan B. I rolled up little pieces of paper into balls, which for an ant would be equivalent to a huge-ass boulder and started hurling them at any and all ants in sight. See, this is what happens when you have angered the once-friendly giant. The gods will smite thee like you have never been smoted before!!! Well, the boulders fell and managed to get a few of them stuck underneath, but NOT DEAD! Now i’m like, whoa, these guys are pretty legit. If we got huge-ass boulders hurled at us from the sky, we’d all be dead for sure, heck, even small hailstorms manage to claim a few lives. And while a part of me is giving the ants some mad props, the other part was just plain mad.

Enter round three of Giant vs. Ants, I had to resort to the ol’-fashioned tried and true squish-and-hold technique. Believe me, I didn’t want to have it come to this, but the ants had to learn. To be fair, I didn’t kill all of them, just a few to set an example for the others, letting them know that my desk is not the land of sweet sweet sugar and savoury chips, but in fact the VALLEY OF DEATH, namely ANT DEATHS and that the patience of the benevolent giant will only go so far. It was unfortunate that it took a massacre to get my point across but it was for the greater good. I noticed a significant decrease in the number of ants today and i’ve started using the entire pack of sugar in my coffee so that none gets left over. Victory is bittersweet.

morning logic

I was at a party tonight, and no, before you start thinking that it was all wild and crazy, with karaoke and people making out; unfortunately, it was most definitely not like that. We sat around and talked about suede couches and the importance of alternating seat cushions with back cushions to get the most even distibution of general couch fluffiness; so really, you are not missing much, i promise. The most exciting part of my evening was when i was offered a slice of pizza, and i was like well, I already had a big dinner, but it would be kind of blasephemous to NOT have a slice of FREE pizza, so I politely take a tiny slice. Anyways, the tiny slice was in fact the gateway drug that quickly de-volved into me eating half the pizza even though i was not hungry at all; but hell, it was free, and pizza is oh so delicious. But i justify this because whenever i get really really hungry, I start thinking of all the moments in history when I’ve declined perfectly good food under the excuse that “i’m full” and i’m like damn, why did i reject that stale panini like two weeks ago. I could SO be eating that right now. Yes, obviously that makes no sense because even if i ate that stale panini 2 weeks ago, i would still be hungry, duh, but i’m hungry, there is no logic when i’m hungry. Kind of like morning logic. You know that moment in the morning when you wake up and you have like a TON of shit to do but you’re sooo comfortable in your bed that you start to convince yourself of things like “i don’t NEED to catch my flight to the bahamas” or “i don’t NEED to go to my own wedding”. Seriously, morning logic is the work of the devil. It made so much sense at the time. And we all know those are famous last words.

the considerate ranter

I promised my friends at dinner that I’d start my blogging adventures as of today, after i’ve spent the day getting reassurance from a couple of people that they’d read it, from time to time, once in a while, maybe. Hey, that’s good enough for me as blogging is really just adding another facet to my various methods of ranting actually my only method which usually involves me going down the contact list in my phone and being like hey what’s up, how’s life, now i shall rant for 3 hours straight about things like email ettiquette or the pros and cons of crispy pizza crust. And that has pretty much left me with like 2 friends, so as a gesture of courtesy, i will take my ranting into the digital age, and put it inconspiciously on the web so that people may now access my rant at leisure, in their pjs, perhaps with a glass of wine, and once they decide they’ve had enough, they may close or minimize their web broswer and resume when the mood strikes them again. Now i call that courtesy, a truly considerate ranter. I suppose that kind of makes up for the fact that i’ve spent the past 3 years making fun of blogging or bloggers and being like wtf, who sits at a computer and types shit that no one cares about. I don’t even know you, and frankly, you kind of suck. Kind of like when people first started getting IPods and i was there with my tape cassette and i was like tapes are awesome, i’m awesome, what the heck is an ipod and why would anyone want this expensive, dumb-looking thing. Well, now here i am writing stuff that no one will probably ever read including my 2 friends, who will maybe skim it and then denounce me as their friend and i will be officially friend-less, and no one will ever call me again which may be a good thing because then my phone bill will be really cheap, which reminds me i need to pay my phone bill like tomorrow. And, i have an ipod like the 1.6 billion other people on this planet. So the moral of the story is, never make fun of people again. Who am i kidding, always make fun of people, and sometimes, maybe yourself.