foodie misadventures

The impossible has occurred. I never thought it could happen, but it did and i will now forever be in awe. There is such a thing as too much chocolate.

I have lived through many Easters and still I have not encountered anything quite as monumental as this. The full blown chocolate OD. So great, that an emergency litre of milk needs to be given intravenously to counteract the cocoa-coma. I wasn’t so lucky and shortly after ingesting more than the monthly recommended dose of chocolate in one sitting, I passed out for 12 hours. The next morning, I was still full! So full that I almost didn’t eat my mango; almost… but I still ate it; however with slightly less relish than usual.

In other interesting culinary adventures, I ate seal for the first time last Saturday. It was a little sad when you think about how cute they are, but then you taste it and their deliciousness out-trumps the guilt by like a billion and all you want is more seal. Dead, delicious seals. In terms of texture I’d say it’s a cross between veal and fish, and the flavour somewhat like rabbit. And if you had the choice, go for it lightly seared, as it better showcases both the tenderness and the flavour as opposed to smoked which I think even when done with a light hand, does not do the meat justice.

materialism is not everything, wanton luxury is.

Hurray! It’s my birthday soon!

My mom asked me what I wanted for my birthday and for the first time I was STUMPED,  blanked, nada.  I really had no idea.

Well there’s always things you WANT; you know, like checking off a couple of names on your hit list, a magic pass that allows you to bypass every line  so you never have to wait again, or a lifetime supply of sweet sweet mangoes.  But these things are not really things you can ask for; they come naturally, like once you’re filthy rich.

So i spent some time thinking materialistically about possible things I may want on this 23rd anniversary of my birth. It wasn’t easy but I thought of a few:

1. Fur; you can never have too much! I like being warm, and especially if that warmth is something also ridiculously soft and pimptastic.  This could come in the form of accessories or even a coat, extra points if it comes as a cape!

2. Diamonds, what the heck, just throwing that out there.  Nothing less than VVS1grade though, and preferably emerald-cut; but i’m not too picky.

3.  Shoes.  I already have way too many but this is one of those things where MORE is BETTER.  I’m thinking maybe some custom-made boots and monogrammed with a huge “J” on the side.

But knowing my parents,  i know what i’ll most likely get, forty bucks and a bowl of noodles.   At least that pays for a bottle of gin.

Vegans (WARNING: May be offensive to some readers)

I stopped for lunch at a restaurant last week and asked for a burger.

Waitress: “Oh, you mean the veggie burger?”

Me: “No actually, I’d like the Big Beefy Burger, and make that extra rare.”

Me in my mind: “WTF? Do i look like a hippie??? Do i Look like a VEGAN to you?? What the hell. “

First of all, vegans are no fun. I had a vegan cupcake once and all i have to say is, if anyone can make a cupcake kind of suck, which under normal circumstances is virtually impossible, it’s a vegan. These people need to understand that all good things in life come from animals. Louis Vuittons, steaks, feather boas… ALL from animals. And you know what, that’s how nature works, animals need other animals to survive, it’s all part of the eco-cycle-ma-bob, the circle of LIFE. Hasn’t THE LION KING taught us anything??

black sunday

There is an ant infestation right next to my desk at work. In hindsight, it may have been caused by me leaving an open packet sugar there for some time because I’m trying to cut down my sugar intake, so i only use a half pack in my coffee and then save the rest for the next cup. The ants got wind of this and have decided to stake out near my workstation so they can freeload this said sugar. I don’t have anything against ants; they’re hardworking, don’t usually bite, don’t make annoying buzzing noises, and up until yesterday, I lived in harmony with them as a benevolent giant and sugar supplier. AND THEN EVERYTHING CHANGED.

I was at work, eating some chips, which by the way is like my favourite snack food in the whole world, and crumbs started going everywhere because well, that’s how the chips crumble (haha, get it?), and next thing i know, i’m like surrounded by 200 ants, picking up my crumbs and carrying it to their secret ant hideout. A particularily greedy ant starting hauling away this medium-sized crumb, which I could have TOTALLY EATEN, and I was like oh no you didn’t just do that. There is now rage. I have tolerated the taking of sugar , but the taking of chips, which i will stress again, are like my favourite snack food of ALL TIME, is unacceptable. And that is how it proceeded to then become a Black Day in The History of the Ants.

I began by sweeping the ants off the table which is like 3 1/2 feet off the floor, and the ants fell to the ground but DIDN’T DIE. And i was like holy crap, 3 1/2 feet for an ant to fall is like a human falling from like 462 stories and we don’t survive shit like that. Cat’s are good at falling and they don’t even survive shit like that. Two minutes later, the ants were back on my table, foraging for chip crumbs again and i’m like these guys are pretty hardcore.

I then began the enacting of plan B. I rolled up little pieces of paper into balls, which for an ant would be equivalent to a huge-ass boulder and started hurling them at any and all ants in sight. See, this is what happens when you have angered the once-friendly giant. The gods will smite thee like you have never been smoted before!!! Well, the boulders fell and managed to get a few of them stuck underneath, but NOT DEAD! Now i’m like, whoa, these guys are pretty legit. If we got huge-ass boulders hurled at us from the sky, we’d all be dead for sure, heck, even small hailstorms manage to claim a few lives. And while a part of me is giving the ants some mad props, the other part was just plain mad.

Enter round three of Giant vs. Ants, I had to resort to the ol’-fashioned tried and true squish-and-hold technique. Believe me, I didn’t want to have it come to this, but the ants had to learn. To be fair, I didn’t kill all of them, just a few to set an example for the others, letting them know that my desk is not the land of sweet sweet sugar and savoury chips, but in fact the VALLEY OF DEATH, namely ANT DEATHS and that the patience of the benevolent giant will only go so far. It was unfortunate that it took a massacre to get my point across but it was for the greater good. I noticed a significant decrease in the number of ants today and i’ve started using the entire pack of sugar in my coffee so that none gets left over. Victory is bittersweet.

morning logic

I was at a party tonight, and no, before you start thinking that it was all wild and crazy, with karaoke and people making out; unfortunately, it was most definitely not like that. We sat around and talked about suede couches and the importance of alternating seat cushions with back cushions to get the most even distibution of general couch fluffiness; so really, you are not missing much, i promise. The most exciting part of my evening was when i was offered a slice of pizza, and i was like well, I already had a big dinner, but it would be kind of blasephemous to NOT have a slice of FREE pizza, so I politely take a tiny slice. Anyways, the tiny slice was in fact the gateway drug that quickly de-volved into me eating half the pizza even though i was not hungry at all; but hell, it was free, and pizza is oh so delicious. But i justify this because whenever i get really really hungry, I start thinking of all the moments in history when I’ve declined perfectly good food under the excuse that “i’m full” and i’m like damn, why did i reject that stale panini like two weeks ago. I could SO be eating that right now. Yes, obviously that makes no sense because even if i ate that stale panini 2 weeks ago, i would still be hungry, duh, but i’m hungry, there is no logic when i’m hungry. Kind of like morning logic. You know that moment in the morning when you wake up and you have like a TON of shit to do but you’re sooo comfortable in your bed that you start to convince yourself of things like “i don’t NEED to catch my flight to the bahamas” or “i don’t NEED to go to my own wedding”. Seriously, morning logic is the work of the devil. It made so much sense at the time. And we all know those are famous last words.