black sunday

There is an ant infestation right next to my desk at work. In hindsight, it may have been caused by me leaving an open packet sugar there for some time because I’m trying to cut down my sugar intake, so i only use a half pack in my coffee and then save the rest for the next cup. The ants got wind of this and have decided to stake out near my workstation so they can freeload this said sugar. I don’t have anything against ants; they’re hardworking, don’t usually bite, don’t make annoying buzzing noises, and up until yesterday, I lived in harmony with them as a benevolent giant and sugar supplier. AND THEN EVERYTHING CHANGED.

I was at work, eating some chips, which by the way is like my favourite snack food in the whole world, and crumbs started going everywhere because well, that’s how the chips crumble (haha, get it?), and next thing i know, i’m like surrounded by 200 ants, picking up my crumbs and carrying it to their secret ant hideout. A particularily greedy ant starting hauling away this medium-sized crumb, which I could have TOTALLY EATEN, and I was like oh no you didn’t just do that. There is now rage. I have tolerated the taking of sugar , but the taking of chips, which i will stress again, are like my favourite snack food of ALL TIME, is unacceptable. And that is how it proceeded to then become a Black Day in The History of the Ants.

I began by sweeping the ants off the table which is like 3 1/2 feet off the floor, and the ants fell to the ground but DIDN’T DIE. And i was like holy crap, 3 1/2 feet for an ant to fall is like a human falling from like 462 stories and we don’t survive shit like that. Cat’s are good at falling and they don’t even survive shit like that. Two minutes later, the ants were back on my table, foraging for chip crumbs again and i’m like these guys are pretty hardcore.

I then began the enacting of plan B. I rolled up little pieces of paper into balls, which for an ant would be equivalent to a huge-ass boulder and started hurling them at any and all ants in sight. See, this is what happens when you have angered the once-friendly giant. The gods will smite thee like you have never been smoted before!!! Well, the boulders fell and managed to get a few of them stuck underneath, but NOT DEAD! Now i’m like, whoa, these guys are pretty legit. If we got huge-ass boulders hurled at us from the sky, we’d all be dead for sure, heck, even small hailstorms manage to claim a few lives. And while a part of me is giving the ants some mad props, the other part was just plain mad.

Enter round three of Giant vs. Ants, I had to resort to the ol’-fashioned tried and true squish-and-hold technique. Believe me, I didn’t want to have it come to this, but the ants had to learn. To be fair, I didn’t kill all of them, just a few to set an example for the others, letting them know that my desk is not the land of sweet sweet sugar and savoury chips, but in fact the VALLEY OF DEATH, namely ANT DEATHS and that the patience of the benevolent giant will only go so far. It was unfortunate that it took a massacre to get my point across but it was for the greater good. I noticed a significant decrease in the number of ants today and i’ve started using the entire pack of sugar in my coffee so that none gets left over. Victory is bittersweet.