foodie misadventures

The impossible has occurred. I never thought it could happen, but it did and i will now forever be in awe. There is such a thing as too much chocolate.

I have lived through many Easters and still I have not encountered anything quite as monumental as this. The full blown chocolate OD. So great, that an emergency litre of milk needs to be given intravenously to counteract the cocoa-coma. I wasn’t so lucky and shortly after ingesting more than the monthly recommended dose of chocolate in one sitting, I passed out for 12 hours. The next morning, I was still full! So full that I almost didn’t eat my mango; almost… but I still ate it; however with slightly less relish than usual.

In other interesting culinary adventures, I ate seal for the first time last Saturday. It was a little sad when you think about how cute they are, but then you taste it and their deliciousness out-trumps the guilt by like a billion and all you want is more seal. Dead, delicious seals. In terms of texture I’d say it’s a cross between veal and fish, and the flavour somewhat like rabbit. And if you had the choice, go for it lightly seared, as it better showcases both the tenderness and the flavour as opposed to smoked which I think even when done with a light hand, does not do the meat justice.

materialism is not everything, wanton luxury is.

Hurray! It’s my birthday soon!

My mom asked me what I wanted for my birthday and for the first time I was STUMPED,  blanked, nada.  I really had no idea.

Well there’s always things you WANT; you know, like checking off a couple of names on your hit list, a magic pass that allows you to bypass every line  so you never have to wait again, or a lifetime supply of sweet sweet mangoes.  But these things are not really things you can ask for; they come naturally, like once you’re filthy rich.

So i spent some time thinking materialistically about possible things I may want on this 23rd anniversary of my birth. It wasn’t easy but I thought of a few:

1. Fur; you can never have too much! I like being warm, and especially if that warmth is something also ridiculously soft and pimptastic.  This could come in the form of accessories or even a coat, extra points if it comes as a cape!

2. Diamonds, what the heck, just throwing that out there.  Nothing less than VVS1grade though, and preferably emerald-cut; but i’m not too picky.

3.  Shoes.  I already have way too many but this is one of those things where MORE is BETTER.  I’m thinking maybe some custom-made boots and monogrammed with a huge “J” on the side.

But knowing my parents,  i know what i’ll most likely get, forty bucks and a bowl of noodles.   At least that pays for a bottle of gin.

don’t give up on me just yet…

So i haven’t been blogging for a while but before you reject my blogging as “just a phase” or a “passing whim”, i will now astound you by resurfacing and blogging with new and calculated vengence! Okay, not really, but still, I’m typing words, on a screen, that may or may not make sense, but that’s a start right?

To be honest, I would be posting more stuff if I actually DID more stuff and i’ve already maxed out on my Giant vs. Ant battlestory quota (despite the fact that it is in fact a long and epic saga).  Instead, i present to you a list of  notable things I did last week:

1. Went to work

2. Got paid! Whoot Whoot!

3. Paid some bills (*shaking fists at Mastercard*)

4. Got a pedicure, that was LOOONG overdue, the esthecian actually screamed when she saw my feet

5. Got my hair cut, and dyed! (it’s light brown now)

So as i’m looking at this list and it’s pretty pathetic. I’m sorry, but you know, going to the salon is a tough job but someone’s got to brave it.

robots are your friends

Usually i would be talking about how much something sucks right now, (ie sprained ankle,  shitty weather, smelly co-workers, etc…) but i will refrain from this, briefly, to talk about something instead that absolutely DOES NOT suck; Wall-E, the movie.  I’m totally not being paid by Pixar to be doing this (although if you wish to send me a check, I will happily forward you my address),  but it was quite possibly the best robot-acted romantic-comedy that i’ve ever seen, which basically means i’m comparing it to any romantic-comedy starring Keanu Reeves.  Haha, i crack myself up. No but seriously now, I love Keanu Reeves.  Speaking of which, where has he been? There has not been enough Keanu in my life as of late.

Back to Wall-E, i’m not going to recap it, or analyze it for its theme and subtle nuances, because that’s what pretentious film critic/ douchebags do.  I just watch stuff, and laugh, or more likely, I cry at random parts because i’m sensitive, okay?  You got a problem with that?

Just go see the film, or buy the bootleg in Chinatown or whatever,  I promise it’ll be worth your time.  And if you hate it, well then, you suck.

a magical recovery

I’m happy to report that after a long week of hobbling about and bumming rides with friends, I’m finally at a solid 75% recovery state thanks to some magic pills. Really, they’re magic, and legal. My co-worker gave them to me saying that if I took 5 of them 3 times a day, my sprained (and very swollen) foot and ankle would be better in a day, and she was TOTALLY right. And this was some homeopathy stuff, which I totally thought was a hoax after my friend Wen (who i know will be reading this and is vehemently a non-believer in homeopathy and will be rolling her eyes when she reads this) explained in lay-man terms what it actually entailed, but i’m going to have to say it actually works. So if any of you guys ever sprain your ankle, or foot, (which i hope never happens but if it does) just gimme a call, i’ll hook you up with the shiznit.

I also realized that I don’t have enough friends with cars. A lot of them have bikes, but not cars. This is not very useful when you need rides because you can’t walk. I mean, I tried to walk a block and it took me 30 minutes, and I had to give up and call a cab. And i’d totally drive myself but i don’t have a license, nor a permit, and quite frankly, I think i’m doing pedestrians a favour by staying off the roads. Lives are being saved each day i am not at the wheel of a moving vehicle, trust me.  So, dear friends: get cars (and preferrably ones with those vertical lift doors cuz that would be crazy pimp).

excuses, excuses

Okay, I know I’ve been coming up with a lot of excuses lately for being a crummy blogger. I was sick, the ants were sending hitmen after me, yada yada yada. Well, i’m just going to add to that list with a new one: i sprained my foot and ankle. I’d like to say it happened because i was doing something kind of awesome like an extreme sporting activity or like you know, fighting off a lion; but alas, it just happened because i fell down some stairs. Which happened to be in front of a bar, but it’s totally not what you think, i was neither drunk, nor was I in a bar-room brawl. I was, however, wearing 4-inch heels.

And i was thinking about it today and i realized this is not the first time i’ve suffered fashionable footware-related injuries. LIke 2 summers ago, I was wearing these really cute flip-flops that kind of hurt, but they were super cute so i was like well, i’ll suffer for the sake of cuteness, but then I got a foot infection from the cut that they gave me and landed myself in an Italian hospital where I did not understand a word anyone was saying and it was just like 15 minutes of the doctor grabbing my foot, pinching it and screaming at me in Italian.

So here i am again, suffering for the sake of fashion. Kind of like battered-wife syndrome, except with shoes. They hurt me but I keep going back and then making excuses for them, because well, they’re actually really nice shoes and they look really good…

Anyways, the doctor put me on crutches for a week, and at first i was like, oh, how novel. I feel just like Tiny Tim from A Christmas Carol, very beggarly chic. But then I actually started walking around in them and i’m like whoa, this is intense, these things make getting around harder than just walking on my swollen foot. I’m already at a physical disadvantage and yet, i need to have the apparent upper body strength of an olympiad just to haul myself 15 minutes around in them. I never thought i’d be happy to see a red light, but i seriously take every wait at a stop-light as a resting opportunity. Doesn’t that kind of defeat the purpose of helping the crippled? What about something more useful, like a manservant, or better yet, a litter carried by manservants. Hot manservants. That’s exactly what i need right now,  that and some peeled grapes.

Black Sunday Part. II

I have not posted this past week due to a series of unfortunate events.

1. I was sick

2. There was another ant invasion/massacre (more on this later)

I got sick because i slept in the back seat of a car, because I was stranded at a boring party and I was like, this is lame, and i’d rather sleep in a freezing car then put up with more of this douchey lameness.  So i did, and then i got sick.  I went to work the next day and spent the day making kleenex fortresses around my desk from the amount of times i had to blow my nose, and my co-workers now hate me because my pathogens got everywhere and i’m quite certain they are shaking their fists right now as they’re blowing their noses.

Once i got my sense of smell back, I figured I’d celebrate with some candy.  My candy of choice are those sour coke bottle gummies.  So I bought a bag, and i brought it to work.

Usually, I could have eaten the entire bag in one sitting, but i was like, you know, maybe i should try out this thing called moderation.  I hear it’s good for your health.  So i eat half, and leave the rest for the next day.  Except i forgot about the ant thing, because they made or rather, i made them quite scarce after the Black Sunday massacre that I had completely forgotten about their wily, sugar-stealing ways.   So needless to say, I came in the next morning, not to find a bag of coke candies, but a bag of coke candies sprinkled with ants which in Mexico is probably a popular kind of snack product, but i was like, i’ll pass.  So there was some massacring, but this was kind of half-ass because i was still mildy sick, so to paint the picture more accurately i’d say it was more of a multiple-homicide.

But then the next day, i was working and i saw an ant that was like humongous, and I mean HUMONGOUS.  It was at least like 10 times the size of a regular ant, and i was like crap, the ants are getting mafioso on me,  like this is totally the ant thug that shows up at your door and leaves only once your jaw and legs are broken.   So i played it chill.  You don’t want to anger the thug, just wait patiently for it to leave because its really not here to you know, pop a cap in your ass, but just to rough you up a bit.

Alas, there was no Giant vs. Giant Ant showdown to speak of.  I wasn’t going to mess with that one cuz it was a monday, and i wasn’t in full form, not that i so could have kicked his ass, but you don’t want to start the week with death showdowns, that’s more of a friday-to-sunday kind of affair.

Existential Highlights of an aspiring architect

Sometimes i am baffled by the inanity of what i do.  Don’t get me wrong, I love architecture, but occasionally, there’ll be a moment when i’m doing something and all of a sudden i’m like, what am i doing with my life???  Here are some highlights:

Incident 1:  Spending an afternoon drawing rain gutters on a house, and then admiring how nice the gutters look because i managed to add a little bit of curvature in there.

Incident 2:  Using the lasso tool in Photoshop around some random dude’s crotch for an hour to get a clean edge  so that i can then use the picture in a montage.

Incident 3:  Printing, then reformatting, then re-printing a document because the font i used was perhaps 1pt size too small.

I’m sure there are plenty of others, but these were the ones off the top of my head.  Share yours.

And just as a random sidemark:  What’s the difference between being Danish and a Dane?  Do people refer to themselves as Danish or Dane?  This has been my preoccupation for the past 2 days and i Wikipedia-ed this and i still don’t know.  But juicy tidbit: there are actually 56,916 people living in Greenland!

Vegans (WARNING: May be offensive to some readers)

I stopped for lunch at a restaurant last week and asked for a burger.

Waitress: “Oh, you mean the veggie burger?”

Me: “No actually, I’d like the Big Beefy Burger, and make that extra rare.”

Me in my mind: “WTF? Do i look like a hippie??? Do i Look like a VEGAN to you?? What the hell. “

First of all, vegans are no fun. I had a vegan cupcake once and all i have to say is, if anyone can make a cupcake kind of suck, which under normal circumstances is virtually impossible, it’s a vegan. These people need to understand that all good things in life come from animals. Louis Vuittons, steaks, feather boas… ALL from animals. And you know what, that’s how nature works, animals need other animals to survive, it’s all part of the eco-cycle-ma-bob, the circle of LIFE. Hasn’t THE LION KING taught us anything??

Rich-ity Mac-Rich-ster

I just got paid 2 days ago so i’m feeling pretty damn rich. Well, that is until I have to pay my credit card statement which will then render me penniless yet again, but that is not due until next week, so in the meantime, I will bask in my delusional wealth. And oh how i will bask.

I will start by leaning far back in my chair with my hands behind my head and putting my loafered feet on my desk. Rich people on TV always do that. It seems like fun. As I’m in this reclined position, I amuse myself with all the things I can procure with my moolah.

Perhaps I will finally buy the bubble-wrap toy that I’ve been having my eye on for the last little while. Called Puchi Puchi, it is “almost guaranteed to be the most realistic bubble wrap toy on the market”. Hmm..the “almost” part seems kind of suspect and of course, nothing beats the real deal, but it rewards every 100 pops with a sound effect including but not limited to “door chime”, “barking dog”, “fart”, and “sexy voice”.

Sold!